“Chivalry is dead” is a phrase that has been gaining popularity online, primarily due to the fact that many feel dissatisfied with behavior from men in relationships. The phrase has been used mostly on social media to address behaviors within heterosexual relationships. Some of these include frowning upon splitting bills after meals and the expectation to regularly buy gifts. When it comes to high school relationships, these expectations are often unrealistic.
Being chivalrous, in the traditional sense of the word, involves being heroic, distinguished, and possessing the qualities of a knight: being loyal, faithful, honorable, and courteous.
Traditional chivalry is an age-old sentiment that can be traced back through the past hundreds of years, but should not be an expectation imposed upon high school relationships. Associating behaviors with a lack of masculinity may be problematic if we aim as a society to deconstruct gender norms.
Along with a dissatisfaction with the lack of chivalry, many social media users have started, over the past few years, to use the phrase “Men used to go to war” to highlight traditionally “unmasculine” traits that they deem to be relatively unattractive. These phrases include, “Men used to go to war, and now they post weekend photo dumps on Instagram,” and, “Men used to go to war, and now they escape confrontation and accountability in order to not apologize,” as two separate users posted on X, a social media platform.
Chivalrous behavior is often linked to the idea of protecting women, reinforcing the idea that women are somehow weaker than men. “Benevolent sexism” is a term used to describe seemingly kind actions from men with the intention that they must somehow protect women. Three separate studies — Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, Clever girl: Benevolent sexism and cardiovascular threat, and Women's attraction to benevolent sexism — have linked women's over-exposure to benevolent sexism to increased feelings of incompetency on everyday tasks, cardiovascular responses alike to threat responses, and showed that women who enjoy these behaviors may experience increased relationship insecurity.
In some cases, chivalrous behavior is directly associated with kindness. However, the expectation for and gratification that comes with it is an example of double standards, or expecting something different from men in comparison to women. It can reinforce the idea that men are dominant, while women are more submissive, an attitude that may be particularly problematic in a high school context, when young people are still developing and figuring out their place in the world.
For many women, empowerment may come in the form of not being belittled by benevolently sexist behavior, which implies the need for protection. Many girls may want to be the ones to send flowers or ask a guy out. While some women find comfort and safety in being around a “protective” man, men do not need to be put on a pedestal for acting "chivalrously," because it creates an unequal gender dynamic.
On the other hand, many high school girls may be frustrated by a perceived “nonchalance epidemic” and effort that guys put in to maintain an elusive persona. Many perceive asking someone out in a conventional manner “cringe” and have opted for casual Snapchat messaging instead. It has been well documented that teenage boys and men post less on social media, possibly in order to appear less needy and more self sufficient. This trend may be harmful in its own right because teenage boys feel pressure to maintain a masculine image. So, it would make sense why girls and women may expect chivalrous behaviors, if they simply desire more confident men.
Chivalry, despite usually coming from kind intent, can easily be interpreted as belittling to women in a world that should be challenging gender standards. High school relationships need not hold such adult and outdated standards, and teens should feel free to explore acting outside of traditional gender roles in relationships.