Saying sorry is often thought of as a good thing. It means you’re apologizing for something that you did wrong, whether that’s hurting someone physically or emotionally, causing them an inconvenience, or damaging something of theirs. So what if you apologize for something that wasn’t wrong? Although it may sound polite in some measure, the term is often overused and leads to self deprecation. Most commonly used to compensate for social worries or slight mistakes, saying sorry is integrated deep into the vocabulary of girls and women in particular. Where does this constant apologetic demeanor come from, and what negative impact can it have on women?
There are endless reasons that women apologize. Nerves, intimidation, social anxiety, or people pleasing tendencies are some examples. For women who work in fields like science or politics, which are majority male dominated fields, they can feel intimidated or overpowered. Those engaged in abusive relationships or instances of sexual harassment can feel threatened, traumatized, and disempowered. For men, this isn’t as much of a reality. In the U.S., 81 percent of women have been sexually harassed in their lifetime, and 21 percent have been raped, while only three percent of men in the U.S. will experience sexual assault. By apologizing, women can lose authority and appear unsure or small. Although it may seem as though they are inflicting disadvantages upon themselves, it’s not a conscious decision women are making. The social pressures that society puts on women to appear polite and “ladylike” are deeper roots of the issue. In pop culture, there are often scandals regarding prominent politicians, musicians, or influencers. When female celebrities are involved in these types of situations, they generally face higher levels of backlash and are often canceled. There’s a large contrast between the treatment of male and female celebrities in these scenarios.
Although there are many ways in which apologizing can debilitate women, it’s also a great example of their emotional intelligence. As stereotyped by TV shows, books, and social media, teen boys often demonstrate less sentimental insight. At Berkeley High School, this is evident through the way that female students support each other. When boys experience hormonal changes, their levels of empathy start to decline. Meanwhile, girls become more consistently empathetic as they advance through adolescence.
As more and more of us have started to realize this issue, we’ve tried to take action by reminding each other to stop apologizing and take up more space. Although this can seem effective, the best way to minimize this problem is to change our standards. If patriarchal society is able to realize other acceptable personality traits in women, many will feel more assured of themselves. Allowing women and girls to feel confident in themselves and their actions will encourage them to take up space unabashedly.